The secret revealed at last

Many people ask, "So Vito, how do you stay so young and handsome and everything? What the heck's yer secret?"

OK, OK...you dragged it outa me: Haingañese incantations. That's the secret. 

"WTF?", you ask...as well you might.

Haingañese is unofficially known as "the language of those who hang out". Officially, it's not known at all. Haingañia is a secret kingdom nestled deep in the Himalayan hinterlands. I can say no more. I've been there, but I was blindfolded, so I can't tell you where it is onna counta I don't know where it is. 

They have lotsa monks there, and they drink a lotta tea. It's cold. Also they have goats. Any place that has goats, you gotta figure it's different from what yer prolly used to. And Haingañia is definitely different. Check yer shoes before you go inside.

Haingañese tunage is different too. They have these horns — zoot horns, I call them; I forget what the Haingañese folx call them. They go pretty low. And they also play some kind of angular banjo type thangs, and these end-blown flutes that I call reet horns, and angular violins, and weird harps, and a giant twanger that's like a monochord with multiple strings, only it has pedals so they can change the pitch of the strings. 

Interesting Historical Note: The pedal steel guitar was originally invented by a Haingañese dude (Spyottzo "Bob" Negoomniac), which is why Haingañese pedal steel players are affectionately called "negoomniards" to this day.

But the coolest thang is the Haingañese chanting. Its not like regular chanting, where you just pick a sound or a phrase and repeat it over and over. Haingañese chanting is done in short bursts...usually only two words at a time. And you never repeat anything. That's the key. You have to make it up on the spot, throw it out there, and then shuddup. 

For example:

• fre'Mestokrone Broodge(!)

It's not as easy as you think. Most folx have trouble pronouncing the silent exclamation mark at the end. It takes practice.

Sometimes, when you get on a roll, you can do them in multi-bursts:

• Spimmick Rondoob(!)
• Femplone Brooveedge(!)
• Omp-Pyohnicrenkxt Fyootahmdoomblio(!)

Sometimes the Haingañese dudes and dudettes will just sit there and blatt out these chants at each other. You'd think they're having a conversation, and maybe they are. No one can tell. Not even them. But it seems to work. And it makes about as much sense to the casual listener as any political speech you're likely to hear...maybe more. It sure does a lot less harm.

Anyhow, the monks (technically...well, spiritually, I mean, all Haingaiñese are monks; but I'm talking about the professional monks here) actually write out their incantations, recording them for posterity on parchment scrolls. The collected and ever-growing body of scrolls is called The Haingañese Book of the Living, which comprises all of the scrolls ever written since the dawn of Haingañese culture.

For my part, having been initiated into the Beneficent Order of Haingañese Monkular Dudes, I faithfully record most of my Haingañese incantations whenever I feel like it. Then, when I need to Get Centered™ (whatever the hell that means) or I just need a good laugh, I go back and read 'em. It helps to say them out loud.

Yes, that's right folks! Haingañese incantations! Helps build strong psyches 12 ways. Try some today!! You'll be glad you did.